Relocation Shift: Husbands Follow Wives

by Stephanie Armour of USA Today

Joan Carpenter has had her hands full. There's the unpacking, finding a place to live, picking a new high school for her teen-age daughter.

And, of course, explaining to others why her husband moved for her job.

As more women relocate because of work, husbands are blazing new trails by accompanying their wives. But deciding whose career should lead also is thrusting many families into unfamiliar terrain.

"People who are very traditional are probably very surprised by it," says Carpenter, 52, whose husband, Brad, left his job as a plant operator to move this summer to Green River, Wyo., from Charleston, W.Va., for her human resources management job. "He has left two very good jobs to relocate with me. My husband has always been very supportive."

Two decades ago, men were responsible for almost all employee relocations. It was rare for women to transfer for a job.

But that's changing as more women join management ranks. Surveys by the Employee Relocation Council (ERC) found the 17% of relocating employees last year in the USA were women, compared with just 5% in 1980. At Hyatt Hotels, for example, 48% of managers relocated in the past 12 months have been women.

As the numbers climb, more couples are trying to handle joint careers without undermining relationships. Roughly 75% of transferees are married, according to the Washington, D.C.-based ERC.

"The men who move for their wives are real pioneers," says Ellie Sullivan of Relocation Resources International, which is based in Norwell, Mass. "Others may think it's not macho. It can create an identity crisis."

Women who have followed their husbands' careers have long grappled with issues such as isolation, settling the household and resentment.

Now it's the men's turn: Will anyone hire a man who quits a job for his wife? How do I tell coworkers? What will strangers think?

What seems like a simple choice often can prove heartwrenchingly complex. In some cases, wives receive pay increases and promotions that help offset the temporary loss of a husband's income. Others move even if it means a pay cut of $10,000 or more annually.

"It's a highly stressful time for the family. It's up there with death and divorce," says Joan Peters, author of When Mothers Work: Loving Our Children Without Sacrificing Our Selves. "The tidal waves of guilt can be enormous."

The decision to go is often torturous. Some couples abide by the teeter-totter approach: she moves for him, and he returns the favor.

About five years ago, Gary and Pamela Johnson moved to Columbus, Ind., because of Gary's work. Now they're moving to Carmel, Ind., in part because of Pamela's job as a systems analyst. She will earn about $10,000 more at her new job.

"Our agreement is we're staying together," says Gary, 33, a manager of an electronic development group. They have two children, ages 4 and 6. "It was hard for her to move here; she had to take a pay cut. She gave up a lot, so I can't be anything but supportive of her."

Says Pamela, 31: "We made a list of things that could be uncomfortable and talked through them. That made it easier to make the decision."

Some couples look at the decision more like a business plan: Which job pays more? Who can find a job with greater ease? What makes the most financial sense?

When Dan Zhou answered those questions, he came to a quick decision. An accountant, he says he can find work more easily than his wife, Hiayan Jiang, 32, a microbiologist. So he agreed to move this summer from Des Moines to Indianapolis, where she had found a job.

"Some people still laugh and think you can't move for your wife," says Zhou, 34. "They say, 'Are you going to be a Mr. Mom? Are you really going to move for your wife?'"

But making the decision doesn't end the angst. Husbands who move with their wives may cope with alienation and resentment months after the packing boxes are emptied.

Wives can struggle with painful guilt.

She will assume the role of caring for a family and making sure they're settling in,' says Donna Malinak of Forward Mobility, a relocation consulting firm based in Bernardsville, N.J. "There is more pressure."

And then there are the reactions from others. Some couples who have made the leap say they never saw their decision as pioneering until friends or family spoke up.

Jeff Mathews and his fiancé, Tinera Francois, say some have been surprised he's leaving his job with Southwest Airlines to follow her career. They're moving from Houston to Dallas; she got a job as a pharmaceutical sales representative.

"I look at it as a stepping stone for both of us," says Mathews, 30. "It's not 'I'm the man and I have to lead the family.' We're a team."

Says Francois, 24: "Some people are shocked he's coming with me, but they're impressed. He's my cheering squad."

Relocation experts say more couples will face career tugs of war as working women assume greater corporate seniority. The Department of Labor reports that women comprised 40% of managerial occupations in 1997. That means employers who once moved workers like maneuverable marionettes must now cater to spouses, more of whom are men.

"It's new for all of us," says Bev Berberich, corporate relocation manager at SC Johnson Wax in Racine, Wis. "The days of the husband coming home and saying 'We're moving' -- while the wife has no clue -- are gone."

Companies are taking steps, such as offering relocated husbands jobs (known widely as "package deals") or help in landing work.

The shift is being felt at Hyatt Hotels, where more than 400 managers moved in the past 12 months were women.

One of them was 41-year-old Rita Starr. She moved from Key West, Fla., to take a job as general manager in Boston. Her husband, Harvey, retired after 25 years with the West Palm Beach police department to come along.

"The biggest part was the letter of resignation. Once I got over that, it became much easier," says Harvey, 51. "It sounds schmaltzy, but truly, in a partnership, it's a give and take."

Many relocation agencies also are reaching out to so-called "trailing husbands." At The IMPACT Group, a St. Louis-based firm offering relocation support, men who accompany their wives get audiotapes and booklets written especially for them.

"We have to make them realize they're not unique anymore," says Laura Herring at The IMPACT Group. "We have to teach them what to say so they're not just positioned as a trailing spouse. They go to cocktail parties, and people will walk away."

With so few role models, some husbands find the isolation unnerving. Others say they've thrived.

Denis Pieratti, 46, moved to Rochester, N.Y., from Leesburg, Va., for her job as a marketing programs manager with Xerox. Her husband, Bob Staron, 51, went along.

It was easy, he says, because he'd taken up computer-related consulting. All he needs is an airport and a phone.

What's good for their careers, they've found, can also be good for the marriage.

"The bottom line in any relationship is you have to be happy with what you're doing," Pieratti says. "It helps if you're moving toward something."

Says Staron: "If she's unhappy, I'm not going to be happy."